SALEM, MA — After centuries of chaotic launches and aesthetic mood boards that “felt witchy but converted like a damp match,” three sister-founders this week lit what experts are calling the Black Flame Funnel—a tidy, ruthlessly specific marketing spell containing exactly one clear offer and one unmissable call to action.
Witnesses describe the results as “kind of hot,” “suspiciously organized,” and “the first email I’ve opened in months without hate-scrolling.”
According to records obtained from the Salem Chamber, the trio—Winifred (Head of Strategy), Mary (Ops/Retention), and Sarah (Acquisition, vibes)—abandoned classic ingredients such as eye of newt, “go viral pls,” and five-minute edits of pumpkin B-roll, replacing them with what sources confirm were a one-sentence value proposition, two short case studies, and a button that says exactly what happens next.
“We added a subhead clarifying the promise,” Winifred said, adjusting her corset with the gravitas of a CMO rearranging a KPI dashboard. “The villagers wept. Or converted. Hard to tell at that distance.”
Authorities Confirm: Instagram Is the Spark, Not the Bonfire
In a statement delivered from atop a broom rack (distribution channel, Q4), the coven outlined a previously controversial stance: Instagram is a spark that lights attention, while email holds the flame long enough to roast the metaphorical marshmallow into revenue.
Mary, who apparently spends evenings sniffing for unsubscribes like a truffle pig, demonstrated a welcome sequence in which each message did one thing on purpose: orient, demonstrate, invite. “We removed the sentence ‘Just checking in’ and twelve ghosts were freed from a local newsletter,” she added, to light applause and immediate list growth.
Sarah, whose job appears to involve making eye contact with a camera and saying “you’re in the right place” with legally actionable charisma, confirmed that Reel performance improved after she stopped chanting “link in bio” into the void and started using actual hooks that name the problem before showing the fix.
“Amok, amok, A/B test,” Sarah whispered, pressing send on a subject line that did not begin with Re:.
The Spellbook Was Brand Guidelines The Whole Time
Forensic inspection of the coven’s sent folder reveals the so-called “grimoire” to be a brand guidelines PDF, complete with hierarchy, kerning notes (in Latin), and three content pillars written in an ink that smells faintly of evergreen posts.
“Broomsticks are distribution,” Mary explained, pointing to a diagram of IG → landing page → email → offer. “We fly across town to collect attention, but we always land where the cart exists. It’s not magic. It’s a map.”
At the bottom of the page, a handwritten note: “Do not summon the Algorithm after midnight without captions and alt text, you absolute buffoon.”
Townspeople Report Miraculous Side Effects: “I Knew What to Click”
Local shopkeepers, previously seen performing complex dances for the algorithm while whispering “shadow ban,” now report modest, boring miracles: people understand the offer, know where to go, and click the button that says the thing.
“It asked if I wanted the thing I obviously wanted,” said Agnes Crowley, a candle fan who was physically unprepared for a CTA that matched the value proposition. “Usually I have to solve a riddle first and promise to ‘learn more’ in a PDF.”
Meanwhile, a black cat—identified as Binx, interim data analyst—was spotted sitting on a heat map, claiming above-the-fold clarity increased ‘purr-chase intent’ by 31%. He later clarified he cannot read, but “can feel when a landing page is honest.”
Failed Launch Attributed to Saying “We’ll Wing the Welcome Sequence”
In a separate incident, a rival coven attempted a spontaneous launch after saying the cursed phrase “We’ll wing the welcome sequence.” Experts confirm this immediately turned their Klaviyo dashboard into a frog and replaced all CTAs with the word Maybe.
“The KPI cauldron foamed over with emojis,” said a shaken observer. “There were 19 fonts. Then someone typed ‘Just need it to go viral’ and a thunderclap erased their UTM parameters.”
Emergency responders at the scene prescribed one-line offers and segmented resends, which stabilized the open rates long enough for a hard reset and a soothing alt tag.
Addams Family Appears Briefly to Approve, Vanishes in a Puff of Brand Consistency
Gomez Addams declared the funnel “monstrously elegant,” fencing an off-brand exclamation point straight off a landing page. Morticia, inspecting the monochrome grid with a horticulturist’s calm, murmured, “Black. White. Clear. Delicious.” Thing set a reminder to reply to comments within 10 minutes, which reportedly summoned three high-intent DMs and a cucumber sandwich.
Asked for guidance, Wednesday Addams stared unblinking at the camera and said, “Your brand voice should unsettle. Ideally with truth.” She then replaced a “we’re honored” paragraph with a sentence that actually stated the offer and left before anyone could add an ellipsis.
Citizens Warned Not to Confuse Potion With “Beige Vibes”
Despite the fanfare, authorities caution against mistaking the Black Flame Funnel for “spooky aesthetics plus vibes.” Sheriff’s deputies seized seven mood boards filled with moss and wishes, reminding residents that aesthetic is a tool and clarity is the spell.
“Do you have a headline that says the promise in plain English?” the sheriff asked, tipping his hat at a stack of reels featuring slow-motion latte art. “No? Then what you’ve got there is a seasonal beverage, not a funnel.”
Editor’s Helpful Hexes
(Unsolicited, but Frankly Useful)
Name the promise in one breath. If you gasp halfway through, it’s a curse, not an offer.
Spark → Flame → Heat. IG sparks attention. Email holds flame. Offer provides heat. Skip any step and you’re shadow-roasting a marshmallow over a tealight.
One CTA per post. Buttons should read like decisions, not riddles.
Proof beats potion. Replace one adjective with one proof point (before/after, testimonial, number).
Test like a witch, not a weathervane. Change one ingredient at a time. “New subject + new offer + new list + full moon” is not a test; it’s performance art.
Q: What if I just need it to go viral?
A: Every time someone says this, an ancient portrait sighs and your reach goes down 37%. Viral is a byproduct. Clarity is the cause.
Q: Can I keep my 17 content pillars?
Q: Should my CTA be “Learn More”?
A: Only if your offer is a library card. Otherwise: Book the session, Get the guide, Start the trial. Name the next step like you mean it.
Closing Ceremony: Candle, List, Cart, Bed
At dusk, the sisters relit the candle (segmented resend to non-openers), stroked the spellbook (guidelines), and tucked the town in with a final email that said, simply, “Here’s how to start.” No cliffhangers. No fog machine. Just a link that led exactly where it promised.
By morning, the villagers reported lower cortisol and higher revenue, plus a previously unknown desire to batch content before coffee. The Chamber has issued a seasonal advisory urging residents to avoid the woods after dark and to write the headline first.
For now, the Black Flame Funnel burns steady—practical, slightly menacing, and weirdly kind—reminding all who behold it that the most magical marketing of all is the kind that tells the truth quickly and lets the button do the rest.
